The Gross-Out II

After being reminded the other day of the Rhodesian Ridgeback, whose the cultivated gourmet palate preferred only the finest found feces of homeless Vancouverites, I must concede the 'my-dogs-are-grosser-than-yours' title. I am okay with this. Kudos to the new title holder whose disgusting deed (and ensuing regurgitation) I shall recount for many a day. It seems as though obscured in the dog's consumption and rejection of street person poo there was a veiled commentary on society's underprivileged. In other news, I recently heard that British teenagers have begun a fad of communication via message in a bottle. It seems they are placing personal ads into bottles in the hopes of finding a romantic match--offline dating sites, so to speak. The current generation of adolescents has grown up with a level of technological sophistication incomprehensible to anyone who remembers Commodore 64 or getting the neighbourhood's first microwave/VCR/CD player. The peculiar parallel between the British teens and our Ridgeback, is that in their subversive acts, both are unknowingly enacting a hegemonic defiance.

Why my heart belongs to Severus Snape

What it is, more than anything, I think, is that moment when we see him craddling her lifeless body, while not simply sobbing but actually wailing. Because it is a voice-over scene, his lament is soundless and, therefore, infinitely more powerful and tragic.

The master of a disciplined mind and of concealment reveals himself in his truest instant to be utterly devasted with grief.

In the past, his calculated frigidity has only once let slip some base level of rage, tempered with shame, at a recollection of school yard bullying, and some infrequent minor fears due to the burdensome demands of his headmaster.

When, as a theatre student in university, I had to explore the four major emotions of joy, fear, rage, and grief, I always felt my resources for the joy corner of the room were rather limited. Yet, I was full of information for grief. I, too, have often felt that I live my life behind a veil--forcing myself to be strong and to appear flawless--while concealing a fundamentally wounded core.

To live with, despite, or perhaps for a true love once glimpsed and then lost is a dank, musty, breathless tunnel. From the chasm, to live based on love seems somehow naïvely pure. Deceivingly simple in its complexity. And profoundly courageous in its honesty.

That is why my heart belongs to Severus Snape.

Life is an Onion

As a child of four years old, I was aware of what occurred around me. Not simply did I understand the words but their ulterior intentions. I could perceive irritation, manipulation, subtle messaging. Yet, I was locked within my small frame and spoken to as one unawares. Often, I wondered how long I would have to feign ignorance--until I grew up and realised that the pretense was to endure my entire life.

In my preadolescence, I tested my powers of manipulation. I laid a great trap for a friend of mine and merely observed as she ensnared herself in lies. I did not reveal myself but simply noted that all people will lie and cheat if they deem it feasible and profitable.

Existence is the multitude of rings within an onion. I am on the outermost peel, cynically observing the mid machinations. At times, I have sought to live blindly inside the onion but am always rejected by my perception of falseness. I have tried to numb myself--to overcome the sting of the onion--and to live simply, blindly. It is always in vain.

A few times, I have mastered my own consciousness and internalised my practice so profoundly that I have reached the innermost sanctum of the onion. Those points have been true sweetness: onion divinity. At those moments of nirvana, I have attained what it is for which I have striven with the least effort. It has been as though the circling has momentarily ceased and the rings have aligned into a cosmic pathway. Choices were obvious, delicious. Results were evident and glorious.

But, as with all other occasions, ultimately I have been redeposited at the external trajectory.

Today as I consider the death of Hitch, someone whose body of work speaks to me, I feel more and certain that the onion hardens and bitters. I am rejected by all but the exterior.

Rebuttal from the Other dog

I know I'm low on the family totem pole.

It's okay, though, because I'm a dog and am comfortable with hierarchy. I'm somewhere after the first dog and people but maybe before the turtles and fish. I guess in the film world, my position would be described as 'below the line'. Not a producer or director but still talent.

There's something to be said for not having a very strong brain. I can't make up my mind on things so I listen to my peoples' guidance. I adhere to every instruction given to me. My people tell me I just got too much beauty and not so much of the other stuff.

Sure, the first dog is beloved but I am obediant.

My people stuck by me when I did all kinds of stuff I wasn't supposed to do, even when I was BAD DOG. I know I'm still sometimes stinky, sloppy, and silly but my people take care of me and tell me I am GOOD DOG. Those are my happiest days.

I had a rocky start to life. I was physically unwell, mentally unstable, and instinctually-delayed. It's not fun having the canine equivalent of ADHD. The Prozac helps a lot. Now, I can concentrate and listen. I promise my people that I'll be the very best dog I can be.

And that's good enough for one dog's life.

Dog Love

I had a strange thought just now: perhaps I love this creature more than anything on earth. How can that be when I have a cherished child and a reciprocally devoted husband? Someone with a psychological background would surely advise me that I am merely projecting onto the dog. And indeed, I am.

I was born in the Year of the Dog. I have always identified with the notion of dog. I consider myself dog-like. I have even, at times, wondered longingly what it might be like to have a tail. I relate more closely to dogdom than to the realm of any other animal, except perhaps that of the elephant.

Interestingly, the elephant strikes me as very similar to the dog in its emotional makeup. Magnificently, they invest physical locations with their grief for the deceased. The don't have a fantastically functional tail but they do have an awesome trunk. The elephant maintains such a wisdom and a gentleness of spirit despite its size.

And so I truly love this dog, as if she is part of me--an extension who is independent, willful, cheeky, playful and infinitely compassionate.

A Healthy Point of View

It's funny how simply making a decision can sometimes lead to a change of mindset.

I spent most of the summer in graduate work, looking at myself as an artist and a linguist, and in deconstructing messaging in popular culture. I had promised myself that when my coursework had finished for the term, that I would spend at least a few days of my short vacation pushing my exercise book for postpartum mothers towards publication. I didn't realise, however, that my perception of normative standards of weight would so drastically have been altered.
Sure, I was always aware of media messages objectifying and distorting the female body. But it wasn't until I really took a look at my own insecurities that I discovered how greatly I too, had been indoctrinated. Not only did I rework a section in my manuscript on weight loss, but I made a rather huge decision.

If, as a junior high teacher, I hope to model healthy behaviour through my active participation in physical fitness pursuits and through my clean diet, then I must relinquish my own body image insecurities. Self-acceptance seems so obvious--how could I have missed it? Yet until I made the momentous vow to bare my legs (despite varicose veins) and to wear shorts when running (instead of roasting alive in track pants), I myself was somehow inauthentic.

I ran today, in the local park. Cellulite was visible for all who cared to see. But either no one saw or no one cared. I was comfortable. When I looked in the mirror later, the lumps and bumps that have always taunted me despite my slender frame seemed somehow less visible. How is that possible? By the fact that I simply no longer care. I actually feel good: strong, healthy, vibrant, beautiful, intelligent, successful...

It's taken me forty years to get this. I hope I can persuade some of my teenagers that body confidence really does come from within--perhaps through leading by example.

Requiem

A few months ago, my mother died.

Her existence consisted of pain and sorrow.
She was the lingering ache of a Beethoven sonata, she was the angst of Brahms; whereas my father is a Bach partita and the happy summer of Mendelssohn.

She taught me to read palms, to embroider, and to look within because spirituality provides more truth than materiality. She shared a secret with me: that the supernatural and the natural are only as distant as we permit them to be.

Through her, I suffered more than enough for one person's life. But at least I have a clarity she did not. I see beyond the mist and am not immobilised by its cloying, moist dullness. I do not regret anything that has facilitated who I am.

Mama,
In death, rest in peace, as you never did in life.